


Et Cetera

by RegalMatriarch



Category: Twenty One Pilots, tøp
Genre: (a work in progress), (these chapters are coming up fast?), (these chapters were coming up fast), Anger, Concerts, Death, Friendship, Guilt, Hopefully some hope, Insecurity, Internal Conflict, M/M, Metaphors, Please stay safe, Sadness, Self-Doubt, Suicidal Thoughts, Tragedy, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-09-21 15:43:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9555692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RegalMatriarch/pseuds/RegalMatriarch
Summary: used at the end of a list to indicate that further, similar items are included.synonyms: and so on, and so forth, and the rest, and/or the like, and suchlike, among others.





	1. Chapter 1

 

_tip, tip_

 

     That's the sound that water makes whenever it hits paper. _Actually,_ Josh corrected himself, _that's the sound_ tears _make when they hit paper._

     Running cold, numb fingers through knotted and greasy green hair, the young adult stood up. He started pacing the room, and as the minutes dragged on, so did the ideas that came forth about what to write once and for all. 

     Josh sat back down in his chair at his desk, tapping the pen he was holding against the sheet of paper nearest him (with the dimples from salty tears) and let out a huge breath that he didn't realize he had been holding in. 

     Picking the pen up, Josh started writing all of the words he wanted to say. All of the words he couldn't say. 

     Messy messy handwriting scratched onto bright bright white paper, and the words said things that Josh even knew sucked. Scrubbing his forehead with the back of his hand, he kept moving the pen. 

     " _Listen This might be cliche, okay? I'm so so sorry and I just ~~want to~~ need to let go. I need to finally be free from everything. It's just all too much and I ~~don't want to~~ can't handle it. My words suck and they always have, so that's why. Nevermind. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I mean writing. See I can't even put my own words into thoughts. I'm stuck in a world where I have too much pressure put onto me and I." _

     There was a large prominent blood drop covering the next word or two on the writing. Josh didn't even cut into his flesh yet, he was thinking that _that_ part would come later, you know, to make the whole process go by a tad bit faster. 

     Josh had simply started sobbing and muffling pained screams so hard that his nose started bleeding profusely. Imagine that. Who would have thought that crying so hard can cause that well known red substance to leak from your nasal cavity.  _Maybe I have a head injury,_ Josh thought to himself.  _That wouldn't be the only thing wrong with  my head though._

 _" X X I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sorry. I came to the realization that absolutely nobody cares for me, and even if they said that they do, who knows if they're lying or not. People always lie to me. Try to make me feel better and I'm so ~~deprpesseded~~ depressed. I need help okay but I could never find it and I. Whatever. This part is to Tyler R Joseph, my ~~greatewest~~ greatest friend alive. I'm sorry I'll have put you through this but I deserve it. I deserve to know that no matter where I go, I hurt people or put themn in a bad plaecee addn and I can't think and oh my gosh Tyler I'm so ssoryr sorry please don' t hat tt e me. This isn't your fault, you're awesome and deserve more than me, because I'm broken, I hurt people, I'm worthless, et cetera." I'm sorry Tyler,_  Josh thought.

     After writing that last part of the letter, Josh let out a short scream and threw his pen across the room, not bothering watching the plastic encasing break and the ink seeping out onto the floor where it had landed. He needed to do this now or never, because otherwise Josh knew he would never get the job done. 

     Standing up, he opened his door and walked into the bathroom, closed the bathroom door, and opening the medicine cabinet, pulled out random rattling bottles of unfinished medications. Holding them in between his fingers, he opened the bathroom door and walked down the hallway towards his room. 

_Wait_

_I forgot something_

_Why doesn't that surprise me_

     Angrily shaking his head, the green haired boy padded down the stairs and into the kitchen, rattling the pills in the bottles with every step. Shoving them into his pockets, he walked to near the stove where the knife block was. He grabbed a random knife without bothering as to which one it was. 

     Josh went back upstairs, breaths becoming more shallow as he realized he was about to finally do it. He was going to finally get the escape he wanted, but he was scared. Oh, Josh was so so scared, and his knees buckled for a split second as he continued walking up the last few steps. "Oh well, this is finally it", Josh muttered to himself. 

     He nudged open his bedroom door (which he realized he never closed it in the first place?) and his eyes went wide when he saw somebody. Said somebody was holding the paper that Josh was writing on just minutes ago. 

  

 


	2. Chapter 2

     Tyler sighed and took his keys out of his pocket, fumbling them slightly. He opened the door, which creaked slightly. "Josh?" He called softly into the dark house. There was no answer.

       He walked forward, dropping his keys on the table. He padded forward into the house. Maybe Josh was upstairs, sleeping. That happened sometimes, shows could make him really tired. Tyler smiled slightly at the thought. Josh was such a cute napper. 

      Tyler slipped his Vans off and walked up the carpeted stairs. He walked down the hallway to Josh's room. The room was dark, with the door cracked open.

      Tyler pushed it open. Deep in his gut, there was a sense of foreboding which he didn't quite know where was coming from. He took a moment to take the room in. Josh wasn't there, but the sheets were rumbled.

     In the corner, there was a pen bleeding black ink, like blood spilling from a shattered body. Tyler shook that thought out of his head. 

     On the desk, there was a crumpled peace of notebook paper.  The whole room had a sense of tragedy about it. As if drawn, Tyler walked forward towards the paper, picking it up lightly in his trembling hands.

     It took a minute for the words to sink in. At first he just stared at the crossed out fragments and the blurred words, the whole paper emitting a sense of panic. 

     Then he started to read. His breath sucked in faster and faster, the oxygen never seeming to reach his brain.  _Josh_ was his only clear thought.  _Oh my God, Josh. Josh Josh Josh. Where is he?_

Tyler stared at the paper, rooted to the spot. Words and phrases were spinning around his head in a muddled mess. Then he heard a sharp gasp at the door. 

      He turned and saw Josh standing at the door, his green hair tangled, his eyes bloodshot, holding some blades and pills. 

      Tyler opened his mouth, intending to say something, anything, but the words got caught in his throat. 

     "Josh..." Josh dropped the awful items in his hands, striding into the room. There was a panic in Josh's eyes, the look of a deer caught in the headlights. He also looked a bit angry, angry at Tyler?  There was something else. Shame? 

    Josh snatched the paper from Tyler. "You... You shouldn't have read that. That was mine." 

    "Josh." Tyler said again. He couldn't seem to get past that. 

    Josh just exhaled sharply. He was shaking silently, face contorted. He looked at Tyler with a message in his eyes. Tyler couldn't quite decode it, so he tried again.

    "Josh. When did this start?" Josh closed his eyes. He shook his head softly, then opened his eyes. 

    "Two months ago." 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We were going to wait to post this one, but in honor of the Heavydirtysoul music video, well, here you go

_****_

Josh looked around the crowd, mouth parted slightly and eyes ringed with red paint. He was shaking his right leg slightly, nerves starting to get to him once again. He pushed his tongue in between his bottom teeth and inside of his lip, darting there and back to its resting place within seconds. 

Static mumbles came through the earpiece, so Josh looked over at Tyler on the small platform on the stage, and he adjusted the black piece of plastic.

"Josh, are you ready?" The voice said, much clearer now.

Josh nodded his head at the red-suited figure and sat back on his seat as he watched the red lit microphone slowly being cranked down. Gulping, he gripped the drumsticks in his hands harder and tapped the drums just a little bit, giving an eerie presence of sound to get the fans ready. His drums were muted, so that the sound was quiet and the people in the crowd couldn't tell if it was real sounds or computerized and recorded.

The fans screamed as a light showed up with a "thun thun" sound as it showed up. Josh felt himself smile a bit as he realized that this many people were happy at once, because of him and Tyler.

Well, mostly Tyler, because it seemed to Josh that many people preferred the tall lanky brown haired boy than the bright sleeve and bright haired boy. 

Shaking his head to clear these bad thoughts, Josh heard Tyler in his ear. 

Josh stopped tapping on his drums because the voice signaled that he should. 

"3..2.." 

Josh swallowed hard again. 

"1" 

 

The curtain dropped. 

Screaming.

Oh, the screaming hurt Josh's ears so much, even with the earpiece in. He had to continue though, had to keep playing. 

Josh pushed all of his fear and all of his worries into the drumsticks, fueling them to hit the snare harder; smash the ride cymbal harder; and he kicked the bass so hard he could feel the reverberations back up into his leg. _Would Tyler be mad if I accidentally broke it?_ Josh wondered, kicking the pedal even more ferociously. 

Josh liked to test his limits on just about everything. 

How far he would run, how hard he would slam his drumsticks and his feet into the drum.

Where he came in contact, he felt like a current, everything wrong with him flowing down his limbs, out of him. The harder he pushed himself, the cleaner he felt. He could ignore his insecurities, his anxieties in front of the crowd.

He heard Tyler speak, shouting into the mic over the roar of the crowd. Josh could feel the energy, flowing around the room in a storm of adrenaline. He could see the faces in the crowd, screaming because they were alive. Josh wasn't screaming, he was drumming, as if his life depended on it (sometimes it felt like it did).

The crowd quieted down as Tyler spoke, but the feeling remained. Tyler spoke (not Josh, never Josh) a minute to start the show off. As always, he referenced Josh once, and Josh nodded and said hi (that's all he ever really said). After all, it was Tyler, and his words, that they came to see. Not Josh.

Josh pushed the thought away. He needed to focus. He heard the signal to start the song, and he started drumming again, faster and faster, beating his frantic heartbeat onto the drum's smooth surface.

He heard Tyler's voice and the computer sounds soaring and swirling. He didn't listen to the words, he just knew when he needed to hit the drum next.

When Josh drummed, he could forget.

When he forgot, he could be happy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, just to clarify this confusing time line. The last chapter was beginning as Josh flashing back to two months ago. This chapter is a continuation of that? Brace yourselves mateys, this is going to be interesting.

       The show was brilliant, as usual. The flashing lights, the smoke, the pounding music, the energy. It got into Josh's head, pushing out everything else. 

       Everything went wonderfully, until near the end. Tyler got up, and started addressing the crowd. 

       He sat at his piano, picking out individual notes. "Hey out there." He said softly into the microphone. The crowd screamed. He waited while they quieted down. 

      "I just wanted to say, thank you. Thank you, everyone, for being here tonight. Thank you, for staying alive and being here." There was still energy in the crowd, but no one was screaming. They were waiting.

     "It means so much. To me, and to Josh." Josh nodded at the crowd. Then the screaming began.

     Josh looked in confusion at Tyler. They hadn't said anything, to make the crowd scream, had they? Tyler shook his head, confused as Josh at the noise. Josh scanned the crowd, noticing something. The screaming was in one section, and panic was spreading from that point.

    "Hey!" Josh shouted. "What's going on over there?" There was no answer, just more panicking people. Josh jumped up from his drum kit. Tyler, seeing that, jumped off the piano. They jumped off the stage, the crowd parting for them. 

       Tyler was running over to the section where something was going on. Josh was behind him, but slower, being caught on the people rushing and craning their necks to see what was going on. He could hear someone screaming, but everyone else was hushed. He was panicking, trying to get there. He pushed through the people, and entered chaos. 

    Tyler's lips were tight. "Clear the area! Did someone call the police?" Everyone was looking at the floor, but Josh couldn't see what was there.

    Everyone mumbled until a woman with wide eyes and a trembling lip choked out, "I did. I called the police." 

     Josh pushed forward through the crowd. The sight he saw left him gasping. On the floor, half under the seats, there was a girl's body. Her messy hair obscured her face. She was dressed in black and red, a bottle clutched in her still hands. Over her body, another girl kneeled. Her long hair fell, brushing the first girl's body.

      Her mouth was forming raw words. Pain and grief sounded in her voice, and shock too.  "Amelie... Amelie!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One other thing. The name that each chapter says it's posted by is probably not a good indicator of if it's completely that person.  
> Hope you enjoy! Or. Something. Maybe, feel something?  
> Also, comments give us life.


	5. Chapter 5

_Oh no oh no oh no nononono nono oh no why is this happening oh no I can't do this why why no_

    These were the thoughts that were racing through Josh's head as he took a step back away from the girls on the ground, one of them clutching the other. While moving a few steps backwards, the green-haired man bumped into somebody, but he didn't bother saying sorry. 

     Flicking his eyes over to look at Tyler while taking his earpieces out, he saw the horror and grief that flashed over the singer's face. Josh closed his eyes momentarily, thankful that the fans had enough dignity to not try to bother the two that made up Twenty One Pilots in such a bad time. Instead, there was now a sizeable circle of empty space where fans had backed up into their seats and into other people's seat areas to make room for the dead girl's grieving. 

 _Is she really dead?_ Josh mused through squinted eyes, trying to detect any breaths coming from her (what appeared to be sunken) chest. Moving closer to Tyler, he peered over his bandmates shoulder and cringed back quickly after seeing a tiny, thin trail of blood leaking from the girls mouth. 

_Is that alcohol?_

_Why is there blood?_

_Who's kneeling over that girl and why? She's certainly not a doctor.._

_Is she her friend? Girlfriend maybe?_

These were the thoughts that immediately went into Josh's mind after he had moved away from the two girls and Tyler, who was now reaching a hand out to the girl that was screaming a name over and over. 

     "Uh, erh, excuse me? Miss?" Tyler said as he gripped her shoulder. 

     The girl turned to him with tears streaming down her face and sobs beginning to rack her whole frame. 

     Josh felt terrible. How could he help somebody like her in a time like this? Josh faced the few steps where he and Tyler had scrambled up to reach the girl, and signaled to a security guard.

     "We need to stop the show," Josh said in a hushed tone, scanning the crowd that was rising up to a gentle murmur. The security guard turned away from Josh to speak into the walkie-talkie located on his chest. He walked away without consulting anything with Josh, and now the green-haired drummer was breathing a little more shallow than before. His panic was returning. 

     Facing back to Tyler, Josh walked over to him and gripped his upper arm, giving it a small shake. 

     "Tyler please," Josh pleaded, mouth turning down with the small whine that came out of his mouth. "What do we do?" 

     "Josh hang on," Tyler snapped, turning away from Josh to speak into his little microphone that was located on the collar of his shirt. Josh felt dejected, and he couldn't breathe. _Shut up Josh_ , he told himself in his head, _you need to learn to deal with problems._ He gritted his teeth. 

     Stepping towards the girl crouching on the floor, Josh looked down at her. 

     "Listen, I'm sorry this happened. Are you her friend?" 

     The girl spoke in a broken voice, "Yeah. I-I'm. I don't know." She drew in a shuddering breath. "I'm Ch-Charlie. This is-was-Amelie. I'm her best friend. I mean I was." 

     Josh knelt down, and gently grabbed her arm and pulled her up, and she stumbled to her feet, clinging to Josh. Most people in the crowd would have given everything they had got if they would have even gotten to touch either Tyler and/or Josh. This Charlie however, seemed to not care about whether or not she was standing right next to her idol. Charlie gasped at something unbeknownst to the drummer.

     Charlie bent down quickly, crouching next to Amelie and put her hand on her friends own hand. 

      _Okay pal_ , Josh thought, raising his eyebrows in quick succession as Charlie stood up, her hand clutched to her chest in a tight fist. 

     Suddenly, a voice came over the stadium where the venue was at. Josh quickly looked around, not realizing that his friend had left. 

     "Friends, please," Tyler said from the stage into the microphone as everybody turned to the sound of his voice. He continued, "Something very tragic has happened, and for those of you that can't tell what did happen, we will leave it at that." A group of murmurs and noises rose up from almost everywhere in the crowd. 

     "This show has been canceled. Josh and I," he motions to Josh, still in the crowd, and the green-haired boy blushed as the sudden countless pairs of eyes flocked to look at him. "Need you all to remain calm, as we will be hoping to come back here soon, but we can't promise this."

     "What happened tonight is a reminder of how important it is to stay alive," Tyler said, his voice cracking a bit on the last part. Staying alive meant a lot to Tyler, Josh knew that it did so much. "Somebody tonight broke that promise, and broken promises cannot be forgiven or taken back." 

     "Josh, can you come here?" The singer asked, beckoning him with his arm, and waited while Josh worked his way over. Looking back at Charlie before he went, he motioned for her to follow him. With a last look at her friend, she trudged forward, refusing to go onto the stage after security let them walk past. Charlie stood at the stairs until somebody escorted her to behind the stage.

     Josh ran his hand through his hair, breathing still shallow, and forced himself to stand next to Tyler. The brown-eyed boy had snapped at Josh earlier though, right? Wasn't he mad at him? Did Josh do something wrong? Closing his eyes for a moment, he listened to his friend's voice as it once again sounded throughout the speakers.

     "We are Twenty One Pilots," the crowd waited for the next part, "goodnight." Everybody gasped, and even Josh was taken aback. Tyler put the microphone in it's rightful stand and marched away, not giving a second glance back. Josh followed suit to see the girl who was sobbing behind the curtains.

     

     


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This flashes back to the first and second chapter's time.

       Tyler nodded slowly. "At that concert?" He asked softly. They both knew which concert  _that concert_ was. 

       "Yeah." Josh started to speak, but started coughing. Tyler's face morphed. 

      "Hey, are you okay? Did you hurt yourself at all?" Josh shook his head. Other than his nosebleed and a messed up bleeding brain (and those few lines on his thighs. And a couple pills. He shook the thoughts away) he was okay. 

      "No." Tyler placed his hand on Josh's shoulder. 

      "I'm going to go get you some water. Stay right here. Don't do  _anything_." Josh nodded, resigned. He couldn't do it now. Not with Tyler there. Not when he had been stopped. (This was the part of the story where he got pulled back from the ledge, and was catching his breath, and seeing again what a  _long_ way down it was. )

        Josh sat down, leaning against the bed. He was so tired. He leaned his head forward, ignoring the blood that dripped on his shirt, and closed his eyes. He waited for Tyler. 

      A moment later, he heard Tyler's soft footsteps. He opened his eyes. Tyler sat down next to Josh, shoulder to shoulder, and handed Josh the clear glass of water. Josh gulped half the water, and set the glass down. He stood up on unsteady feet, wanting to get away from this situation, pretend it never happened. 

      "No." There was something hard in Tyler's voice and eyes that he rarely saw. "Sit down. You can't get away from this. I should know. I've tried." His voice cracked slightly. "But it always catches up. Sit back down." 

       Josh obeyed. 

     "So. Start again. It started at the concert, the one where that girl, Amelie," the words sounded strange on Tyler's lips, "died." 

     Josh nodded. 

    "So let's talk about this. Tell me, and I'll listen." 

    So Josh started his story. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of bad and not put together, so I apologize? -accidentallybroken

       When the ambulance came, Josh watched as the stretcher with the girl's covered body was carried into the ambulance. Josh watched as the girl's friend spoke shakily to the EMTs. She turned slightly and faced Tyler and Josh. Something hardened in her face. 

One woman came over and spoke to Josh and Tyler.

       " I think most of the crowd is out of the venue. Poor girl." Josh thought she meant the girl who died-Amelie?- but then Josh saw her looking with pity over to the girl's friend, who was still standing talking to the man by the ambulance.

     Josh noticed she was standing with her back to the vehicle, avoiding looking at it. The woman started speaking again, but Josh wasn't listening. He was replaying the girl's face, kneeling over her friend, over and over again in his head. Her pain. Her shock. Her raw face. Every time he blinked, it flashed on his eyelashes.

He couldn't imagine how she was feeling. He was feeling panicky himself. How could...

    The rest of the night passed in a blur. Josh was vaguely aware of people of talking to him and him answering and them moving out of the venue. Tyler did most of the talking. Josh's head was still fuzzy, playing on repeat. A girl had died. She died. At their concert. 

Their concert was supposed to be a haven from all that. It was supposed to be safe, a place where people would  _stay alive._

When Josh and Tyler got home, Josh went up to his room and locked the door. He pulled up his computer and looked online. There was already posts about the concert. Most of them were in a state of confusion, no one really sure what was going on.

They could join the club. 

Tyler knocked on the door. "Josh? You okay?" 

Josh lied through his teeth. "Yeah. Just a bit shocked. I'm going to go to bed." 

"Okay." Tyler's footsteps retreated. Josh opened the laptop back up and kept scrolling. It was more of the same, but he couldn't stop. 

He couldn't look away. 


	8. Chapter 8

Tyler sat on the floor (which by the way, was really hard and was making his butt numb thank you) and rocked back and forth gently. This was a bit of a habit. He had researched it before and the internet had said that rocking released "feel good" chemicals into one's brain, so he didn't worry too much about it. 

In his hand, Tyler held his phone. Twitter was open, and in the background his messages were occasionally being checked. Josh was texting him from the other side of the hotel room they shared. They preferred it this way, so neither of the two questioned it. 

 

(Tyler)

8:38pm

Josh man do you hear that? 

(Josh) 

8:38pm

No what am I supposed to be hearing 

(Tyler) 

8:39pm 

Listen closer dude, just do it

 

Peeking up at Josh, he saw the other person squint his eyes and furrow his brows as he made a "huh?" face at his phone. Tyler received a buzz from his phone.

 

(Josh) 

8:40pm

Dude, you have to be messing with me. I don't hear anything

(Tyler)

8:40pm

Yeah well I defineitly hear something

(Tyler) 8:40pm

definitely*

(Josh) 

8:41pm

Yeah man, whatever. Can you be serious for once? and like, not joke aroujnd?

(Josh) 

8:41pm

arounynd*

(Josh) 

8:41pm

shoot I meant around 

(Tyler)

8:41pm 

I'm not joking! I can hear something.....it's..........you! You're thinking so loud over there I can hear you

(Tyler) 

8:42pm

lol you little worm

 

Seeing Josh move, Tyler's eyes made their way off of his phone screen to watch. Josh simply tossed his phone on the bed above him and promptly fell to his stomach. With his elbows above his head, he looked like he was going to sleep, but that was not the case. He started to trace his nail patterns into the tightly woven carpet.

"Tyler?" 

Tyler made a sound of 'hmm' and a 'huh' together to let Josh know he had heard him. 

"Can you sing to me? I want to sleep but I can't," he frowned, "I keep having nightmares."

Rolling forward, Tyler moved towards the bed where Josh was lying next to it, on the floor still. Reaching his arm under the bed, he grabbed the case that was there. Pulling it back out and un clicking the lid, the brown-haired man pulled out his favorite ukulele. Scooting next to Josh (but keeping his space, of course) Tyler placed his fingers on the strings and quietly strummed chords. It was as similar as when Tyler gave his 'Trees Speech' with the keyboard quietly in the background. Rocking back and forth slightly again, he started humming. This went on for a minute or two when Tyler started speaking.

"Josh, man, I know I probably have to be serious but," he started, "buddy, can we get Dairy Queen?" 

Josh gave a small huff of laughter. 

"When even?" He asked, rolling over to lay on his back with his hand resting on his ribs. Tyler leaned backwards too so that he was laying on the floor quietly playing his instrument while his legs were crossed. 

Tyler sang out, "I looooooove ice cream," Josh laughed. "It's really good and I have an addiction it seeeeeems." Tyler coughed at the end from holding such a long note, but he smiled at his instantaneous creation of a rhyme. Setting his ukulele on the floor beside him, both of them ended up falling asleep fast, with Tyler oh-so-quietly singing  _Goner,_ a song he felt fit the mood Josh seemed to be harbouring inside of him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel as though some sweetness was needed, so enjoy it while you can pals. ehehehehehhehehh

**Author's Note:**

> And so forth...


End file.
